The Voice of the White House for November 5th 2007

    Washington, D.C.: “Some helpful soul has dug up the financial holdings of the Bush family, to include stock and real estate assets, overseas and domestic accounts and other such information. Why, one wonders, does this patriotic American family have so many assets outside the United States?

    And we have a new, very funny, story concerning the latest clown act concocted by the Bush people. A story, now being polished, will soon be released to the effect that the United States now has developed a New and Deadly Defense Weapon that will radically alter the balance of power in its favor! Yes, a real revelation! This will consist of a powerful laser weapon that can bring down enemy bombers or incoming missiles at any altitude.

    This new and deadly weapon is to be mounted on the foredeck of a U.S. Naval vessel which will have as honored guests, a number of American media members from, say, the New York Times, the Washington Post and, naturally, the Bush-worshipping but otherwise useless Fox people. And of course a compliment of top military brass.

    Off they will go from a Seattle navy base, up into the northern Pacific to observe a test of the New and Deadly Defense Weapon. Comfortable quarters and all the amenities of a first class hotel will be provide for the guests, as well as state-of-the-art communications for the media people to send accounts back to their outlets. They will heave to at a point south of the Aleutians and wait for the exercise to begin. Three, count them children, three aircraft, loaded with high explosives and radio controlled will take off from an Alaskan military airfield, headed south east.

    On the ship, tensions will run high as the officers and their guests await the Great Moment. Suddenly, radar reports the approach of the radio-controlled flight; a large and impressive device is uncovered, screens are flashing the paths of the oncoming planes when a senior officer gives the signal to fire. A burst of red light shoots up from the New and Deadly Defense Weapon, high into the sky. A moment later, someone in a secluded part of the ship, off limits to the press, pushes a button and one of the planes, high up in the sky, suddenly erupts into a ball of fire with bits and pieces falling down towards the ocean below in a very dramatic and photogenic manner.

    An admiral gives the order to fire again and again, the red light shoots upwards, another button is pressed and a second plane explodes. After the third explosion, champagne is passed out while jubilant senior officers are seen by the media expressing their joy at the success of the New and Deadly Defense Weapon. Members of the media are then escorted to the communications center where their TV footage and copy are sent back to their papers and television stations.

    In Washington, our Beloved President steps up to the rostrum in the White House to reveal to the world that America has just successfully tested a New and Deadly Defense Weapon. There will be film clips shown on all the major television stations to accompany the President’s awe-inspiring speech.

    One assumes that this dog and pony show will not be for the benefit of either North Korea or Iran who do not have long-range bombers, but to humble and awe none other than the dread Vladimir Putin. Will it work? As Putin is no fool, it won’t, but the reporters can savor their champagne and the networks have Pleased the President once again!”